Pulling Yourself Back Up

Pulling yourself back up again is an exhausting process.
If you mess up today, just get back on track tomorrow.

All easier said than done. Anyone can get tired of pulling themselves back up again, getting back on the wagon, trying again.

Since we were last here I am back to 250 again. 250 for me is a number that symbolizes, failure, hatred, loathing, a waste of space.It is 10 lbs heavier than when I started training with a personal trainer. I can also feel myself getting weaker, not stronger, things I could lift easily before are heavy now.
I am losing muscle mass despite eating protein, lifting weights, and staying healthy. My body fat % is skyrocketing, so to those that are cheerleaders for muscle weighs more than fat get lost. I know it does, I have heard it a 1000 times, but right now its not what I want to hear. Mainly because if it was muscle then my clothes would fit better, but they fit worse than a year ago. So NO.

For now that is all I have to say. I don't know what else I can change to get 'better'.

A year and A bit

Its been a year and a bit since I have been here, probably a good thing.
Nothing has changed, nothing is new, and I am doing almost 20,000 steps consistently daily.
I am eating 1,900 to 2,200 calories a day.
Drinking 4 litres of water a day.
I feel a bit like garbage, I am eating fairly few carbs, and I rarely poop...

All I have the energy left to do is weep, I threw up again driving to work this morning, and I am ready to send myself either to hell or to lipo. Neither are a good idea. But I am quite fed up.

Standard Weight Loss Knowledge:

• Eat less 
• Work out more

What I feel I am being told:

• Eat more (healthy and be consistent)
• Work out 
• Stop focusing on the numbers
• but know that you are eating at least 1900 calories a day (how can I stop focusing on the numbers, when you want to know how many calories I am consuming?!?!?!?) 
• This frustrates the pants off me, everything is numbers.

For me what I feel I am being told conflicts with the standard, and that the standard is wrong, but I also cannot keep feeling like garbage, not sleeping, and I have run out of a steam. 

I can go 48 hours without eating anything when I am upset or stressed or feeling like garbage, but then I can pull a 360 and get so stressed out that I will eat everything in sight without caring what happens to me. 

I hate feeling this way, my body can do amazing things, I am a physically strong human being, but mentally I am weak, tired, and stressed beyond control, I am ready to shut down pack it in, and just stop. 

And here comes the season where I go to dinner at least once a week from now until January 6, 2019. And the season where I am lucky if I eat 2 meals a day. 

Fed up

I am fed up to the back teeth.
I set out a goal to get a dress on by December 22....
Since I set that goal I have gained 4 lbs.
This is becoming insane, and unbearable.

As someone who is 3 lbs away from the heaveist she has ever been this is not good, I am going into drastic measure centre, and don't know what else to do.

I throw up during a run, I am dizzy, I feel physically sink 90% of the time.
I am sleeping more, I am drinking loads of water, I run 3 to 5 miles every day
weights 2 - 3 times a week, and yet nothing changes.
and if one more person tells me muscle weighs more than fat that person will need to go to the hospital for their injuries.
I can't take it anymore and I can't keep doing this and feel this shit.
Also if I am told that there must be something wrong with me internally I will also scream. My blood has been checked my doctor has told me there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to lose weight like a normal human being.
And yet I don't, can't whatever.

A New Month

Is it better to get 30 min of excercise a day or better to reach that 10,000 step goal every day?
I am feeling as thought 10,000 steps is not enough, so I am aiming for 11,000 steps in a day to gradually work up to more than that.
I am also hoping to get 30 min of something extra in everyday. So 20 min of biking and 10 min of weights, or any variation in there.
Today thus far I have biked for 10 minutes, what the rest of the day will bring who knows, but I am satisfied with that 10 minutes right now, and when I get home I will do what I can to get to 30 minutes.

Next big question, my fitbit scale is being a silly devil. (Right now, you are thinking don't weigh yourself everyday) it is 33% an addiction, 33% part of my morning routine, and 33% I crave the structure to know that I did not horribly over eat the previous day), anyway, weighed myself this morning and my body fat had gone up 10% but my weight had dropped 2 lbs. WTF. Is what I am asking myself. Maybe there is something wrong with the scale, how does one gain 10% body fat in 1 day, yes I had two helpings of ice cream, and ate a few meringues, but it is 34 degrees Celsius outside, so can you blame me? I will see what tomorrow has to tell me and then see if it is worth my worrying about.

That is all I can think to say for now, I should go off and do some more steps and see what I can do to combat the stiff legs.

Juice Clenase

I am dong a juice cleanse, go me!

Day 1:
Was okay, around 3 pm I did feel slightly light headed so I had a Vega One protein powder water drink just to make me feel slightly more normal.
But other than that it as good, all the juices were fairly delicious, although sadly the one I was looking forward to the most was the one I liked the least, isn't that always the way? Well for me it is anyway.

The one part I cannot quite get my head around is, you drink a 490 ml drink every 2 hours, but if you start at 8 am that leads you to 6 pm and then just water/tea (no caffeine) from 6 pm until bedtime, which for me is a LONG time. So I start drinking at about 9 or 10 to extend when I get to drink my last juice.

Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal

Total of 1130 calories

Day 2:
Should have drunk my first juice earlier than 10 am....ah well. I am sitting at my desk, so it is not too bad.
My fitbit is charging so there we go, ergo I cannot wear it which makes me mad.
I did start to go a bit loopy by the end of today. I thought a spaghetti squash covered in cheese and tomato sauce was a pizza, fail....ah well.

I do feel that my sleep quality has improved, which is a good thing.

Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal

Total of 1130 calories


Day 3:
I absolutely dislike the dirty lemonade, it is awful. Sorry to anyone out there that likes it but the graininess is just not pleasant.
Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal

Total of 1130 calories


All in all a good 3 days. I slept like a log which for me is a huge accomplishment, so that has to be a bonus. My insides maybe don't feel as great as they could, but then again baby steps and everything will come in time.
I will probably attempt this again, but under what circumstances I do not know. I like food, and I like feeling full. But gosh do I wish I had a flat stomach. One day maybe.

I just wish I felt more like working out, that would be a bonus. One day soon maybe.

See ya chicas.

Steps

The last week was a failure when it comes to steps I was barely able to accomplish 8,000 in a day never mind 10,000. Ah well I am back on the wagon again.

I am a little disappointed FitBit has decided to remove the part of their site where you can record your measurements, and I am a little heartbroken. However, it was not developed to its fullest potential as it did not tell you if you had lost inches, so I am not overly heartbroken, but now I am on the hunt for a new inches tracker that I can put all of my old data into to make it look like I have made progress.

Any suggestions? Anyone? Really? It would be helpful. Might just do an excel, but that somehow is less fun.

Okay off to do more things.

30,000

Yesterday was the first time I did it, yes I got to 30,000 steps in a day, it felt amazing.
What felt less amazing was getting on the scale this morning and it having the reverse of the desired effect. I gained. Yes it was only two pounds but I did have a pretty lax weekend in the sense that we had people over and I ate everything in sight.

I do feel though that my lower belly is disappearing, but the inches would beg to differ.

Why can this just not be easy? I want it to be easy. I know if it were easy everyone would do it, but I just cannot figure out what else I can do.

Dress fitting tomorrow I think that is part of the problem. I do not want to look like a whale tomorrow.

Wish me luck today, and let there be light at the end of the tunnel.

Difference

No I don't quite think I can see a difference yet. But I feel after purchasing the heart rate monitor I am hating the treadmill less than I did before. Only problem is it is VERY hot in the basement right now for running, I could run in the morning, but I am not a morning person, nor do I have the patience for that in the morning.

Now to get some weight lifting in and use the spin bike. Then I will maybe be ready to take on the world.

Yesterday...

After what was a pretty dreadful day yesterday, I picked myself up again and figured out what my next step was.
I have a friend that is going to Orange Theory Fitness and she is loving it, but my problem is I make so many excuses not to go to that sort of thing, even if I have paid for it, that it is not worth going. I also do not take construction criticism well when it comes to my form of how the instructor wants an exercise done versus how I am doing it to compensate for the amount of pain that plagues my person when doing anything. That is just the way it is.

So, I bought myself a heart rate monitor and downloaded Polar Beat (app) and Polar flow which is for your computer. Then I jumped on the treadmill last night and the bike this morning. This way it can track what I am doing in each heart rate zone. Orange Theory is based on a system of spending the most time in zone 4, anaerobic zone, so I decided that would be what I would try and do, but on my own.

I think the total combined on these two works outs was that Z4 was 10%, Z3 was 46%, Z2 was 34%, Z1 10%.
All in all not too bad, and it gives me something to achieve. I have yet to determine if the treadmill will be on my to do list this evening, I think it depends on how close to 10,000 steps I get.

On the Wagon

Back on the wagon to success again this morning. Had a surprise house guest, which although delightful is often sore on the waistline.

So we are back to:

• 40 situps a day
• 10 burpees a day
• 20 kettle bell swings every 2-3 days
• 20 min of bike/treadmill about every day
• 9000 steps a day, hoping to get than to 10,000 steps a day!
• 4 litres of water a day

Any other healthy habits I can think of will be added. I have almost opened a Todoist account, which you can check off your successes and it gives you points. I will see if it works, but it does keep me slightly more motivated to do these things that are on my list and keep track of them. 

I know in order to have success you need to switch things up, but I do need to get into the routine of getting them done on a consistent basis. I will change it up and add other things, but next week I think :)

Really?

My body fat percentage better be going down, as the actual number went up. Not by much, but it did in fact go up. Grr. Got my bridesmaids dress ready for the wedding, and so that gives me a slight bit more incentive to keep at it.

Of a morning I do:

• 40 situps
• 10 burpees
• and my kettle bell for 20 reps to tone my triceps (chicken wings are awful)

I am getting in around 10,000 steps a day, trying to increase that to more around the 12,000 - 15,000 mark, but that is tough some days. I would change my fitbit to a goal of 15,000 steps a day, but I just feel like such a failure when I do not get them in. 

Also last night and friend and I went for a swim around the lake, which was good, I am a little sore today. 

I am also finding it trickier to get all the water I want to drink in for a full day, but I will work on that too. I just truly need to spend less time avoiding working out and more time actually working out.

I will get there lovebugs, have a great day. 

The Beginning

"It starts at the very beginning, a very good place to start...'

I have tired time and time again to successfully attain my goal weight. I have tried a host of things, but I have never found anything that works. Yesterday I had a friend over and I said that if I spent the same amount of time working out as I did knitting I would be in fantastic shape.

Today I weigh in at 243.8 lbs, I am 6'1" BMI 32.1.

I am not 100% sure what I truly want my goal weight to be, but I do know that in the 200's is not where I am happy. A range would be 140 - 180. According to BMI, 140, is not a possibility, but 170 would not be bad for me.

The heaviest I have ever been was 250 lbs, so I am down 6.2 lbs, which I think is amazing, but I am not 100% sure how I did it.

My biggest problem is that I get down to 240, and I just seem to stop and am not able to get below that, sometimes I will hit 239, and that excites me, but after that I think I get conceited, and just either give up or go back to my old habits. 232 was the lowest I ever got, I was doing Ducan... but the problem here was I could not just eat protein, and vegetables, I live in a world full of food, and cheese, and wine, and although I am not a huge drinker, I will just eat.

So my goal list:

1. 240: buy kobo - technically I reached 240, and bought my kobo, but it came back again
2. 230: laser under arms
3. 220: unknown
4. 210: unknown
5. 200: unknown
6. 190: unknown
7. 180: unkown
8. 170: a miracle ;)

My good habits:

1. I walk about 9,000 steps a day, sometimes as high as 20,000
2. I drink about 4 litres of water a day
3. I always eat breakfast

My bad habits:

1. Going to bed, thinking mmm I think I want a snack, and having a snack, instead of sleeping
2. Waking up thinking mmm I am hungry and eating instead of drinking a glass of water
3. I eat one item, am not satisfied and then just eat until I find something that makes my craving go away. 
4. If food is left out I will graze, continually, or if I am making dinner I will eat while I am making dinner, and probably eat enough to count as dinner before I eat dinner. 

This is the beginning what I hope will be a wonderful change, and a change that will stick and make me feel like a more wonderful, fabulous, complete human being. It is on the internet for me, not really for anyone else, but I needed to somewhat declare it to the world to see if I could be accountable to the world and not just to myself.