A year and A bit

Its been a year and a bit since I have been here, probably a good thing.
Nothing has changed, nothing is new, and I am doing almost 20,000 steps consistently daily.
I am eating 1,900 to 2,200 calories a day.
Drinking 4 litres of water a day.
I feel a bit like garbage, I am eating fairly few carbs, and I rarely poop...

All I have the energy left to do is weep, I threw up again driving to work this morning, and I am ready to send myself either to hell or to lipo. Neither are a good idea. But I am quite fed up.

Standard Weight Loss Knowledge:

• Eat less 
• Work out more

What I feel I am being told:

• Eat more (healthy and be consistent)
• Work out 
• Stop focusing on the numbers
• but know that you are eating at least 1900 calories a day (how can I stop focusing on the numbers, when you want to know how many calories I am consuming?!?!?!?) 
• This frustrates the pants off me, everything is numbers.

For me what I feel I am being told conflicts with the standard, and that the standard is wrong, but I also cannot keep feeling like garbage, not sleeping, and I have run out of a steam. 

I can go 48 hours without eating anything when I am upset or stressed or feeling like garbage, but then I can pull a 360 and get so stressed out that I will eat everything in sight without caring what happens to me. 

I hate feeling this way, my body can do amazing things, I am a physically strong human being, but mentally I am weak, tired, and stressed beyond control, I am ready to shut down pack it in, and just stop. 

And here comes the season where I go to dinner at least once a week from now until January 6, 2019. And the season where I am lucky if I eat 2 meals a day.