Pulling yourself back up again is an exhausting process.
If you mess up today, just get back on track tomorrow.
All easier said than done. Anyone can get tired of pulling themselves back up again, getting back on the wagon, trying again.
Since we were last here I am back to 250 again. 250 for me is a number that symbolizes, failure, hatred, loathing, a waste of space.It is 10 lbs heavier than when I started training with a personal trainer. I can also feel myself getting weaker, not stronger, things I could lift easily before are heavy now.
I am losing muscle mass despite eating protein, lifting weights, and staying healthy. My body fat % is skyrocketing, so to those that are cheerleaders for muscle weighs more than fat get lost. I know it does, I have heard it a 1000 times, but right now its not what I want to hear. Mainly because if it was muscle then my clothes would fit better, but they fit worse than a year ago. So NO.
For now that is all I have to say. I don't know what else I can change to get 'better'.
Monday, 3 December 2018
Monday, 26 November 2018
A year and A bit
Its been a year and a bit since I have been here, probably a good thing.
Nothing has changed, nothing is new, and I am doing almost 20,000 steps consistently daily.
I am eating 1,900 to 2,200 calories a day.
Drinking 4 litres of water a day.
I feel a bit like garbage, I am eating fairly few carbs, and I rarely poop...
All I have the energy left to do is weep, I threw up again driving to work this morning, and I am ready to send myself either to hell or to lipo. Neither are a good idea. But I am quite fed up.
Standard Weight Loss Knowledge:
Nothing has changed, nothing is new, and I am doing almost 20,000 steps consistently daily.
I am eating 1,900 to 2,200 calories a day.
Drinking 4 litres of water a day.
I feel a bit like garbage, I am eating fairly few carbs, and I rarely poop...
All I have the energy left to do is weep, I threw up again driving to work this morning, and I am ready to send myself either to hell or to lipo. Neither are a good idea. But I am quite fed up.
Standard Weight Loss Knowledge:
- Eat less
- Work out more
What I feel I am being told:
- Eat more (healthy and be consistent)
- Work out
- Stop focusing on the numbers
- but know that you are eating at least 1900 calories a day (how can I stop focusing on the numbers, when you want to know how many calories I am consuming?!?!?!?)
- This frustrates the pants off me, everything is numbers.
For me what I feel I am being told conflicts with the standard, and that the standard is wrong, but I also cannot keep feeling like garbage, not sleeping, and I have run out of a steam.
I can go 48 hours without eating anything when I am upset or stressed or feeling like garbage, but then I can pull a 360 and get so stressed out that I will eat everything in sight without caring what happens to me.
I hate feeling this way, my body can do amazing things, I am a physically strong human being, but mentally I am weak, tired, and stressed beyond control, I am ready to shut down pack it in, and just stop.
And here comes the season where I go to dinner at least once a week from now until January 6, 2019. And the season where I am lucky if I eat 2 meals a day.
Fed up
I am fed up to the back teeth.
I set out a goal to get a dress on by December 22....
Since I set that goal I have gained 4 lbs.
This is becoming insane, and unbearable.
As someone who is 3 lbs away from the heaveist she has ever been this is not good, I am going into drastic measure centre, and don't know what else to do.
I throw up during a run, I am dizzy, I feel physically sink 90% of the time.
I am sleeping more, I am drinking loads of water, I run 3 to 5 miles every day
weights 2 - 3 times a week, and yet nothing changes.
and if one more person tells me muscle weighs more than fat that person will need to go to the hospital for their injuries.
I can't take it anymore and I can't keep doing this and feel this shit.
Also if I am told that there must be something wrong with me internally I will also scream. My blood has been checked my doctor has told me there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to lose weight like a normal human being.
And yet I don't, can't whatever.
I set out a goal to get a dress on by December 22....
Since I set that goal I have gained 4 lbs.
This is becoming insane, and unbearable.
As someone who is 3 lbs away from the heaveist she has ever been this is not good, I am going into drastic measure centre, and don't know what else to do.
I throw up during a run, I am dizzy, I feel physically sink 90% of the time.
I am sleeping more, I am drinking loads of water, I run 3 to 5 miles every day
weights 2 - 3 times a week, and yet nothing changes.
and if one more person tells me muscle weighs more than fat that person will need to go to the hospital for their injuries.
I can't take it anymore and I can't keep doing this and feel this shit.
Also if I am told that there must be something wrong with me internally I will also scream. My blood has been checked my doctor has told me there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to lose weight like a normal human being.
And yet I don't, can't whatever.
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
A New Month
Is it better to get 30 min of excercise a day or better to reach that 10,000 step goal every day?
I am feeling as thought 10,000 steps is not enough, so I am aiming for 11,000 steps in a day to gradually work up to more than that.
I am also hoping to get 30 min of something extra in everyday. So 20 min of biking and 10 min of weights, or any variation in there.
Today thus far I have biked for 10 minutes, what the rest of the day will bring who knows, but I am satisfied with that 10 minutes right now, and when I get home I will do what I can to get to 30 minutes.
Next big question, my fitbit scale is being a silly devil. (Right now, you are thinking don't weigh yourself everyday) it is 33% an addiction, 33% part of my morning routine, and 33% I crave the structure to know that I did not horribly over eat the previous day), anyway, weighed myself this morning and my body fat had gone up 10% but my weight had dropped 2 lbs. WTF. Is what I am asking myself. Maybe there is something wrong with the scale, how does one gain 10% body fat in 1 day, yes I had two helpings of ice cream, and ate a few meringues, but it is 34 degrees Celsius outside, so can you blame me? I will see what tomorrow has to tell me and then see if it is worth my worrying about.
That is all I can think to say for now, I should go off and do some more steps and see what I can do to combat the stiff legs.
I am feeling as thought 10,000 steps is not enough, so I am aiming for 11,000 steps in a day to gradually work up to more than that.
I am also hoping to get 30 min of something extra in everyday. So 20 min of biking and 10 min of weights, or any variation in there.
Today thus far I have biked for 10 minutes, what the rest of the day will bring who knows, but I am satisfied with that 10 minutes right now, and when I get home I will do what I can to get to 30 minutes.
Next big question, my fitbit scale is being a silly devil. (Right now, you are thinking don't weigh yourself everyday) it is 33% an addiction, 33% part of my morning routine, and 33% I crave the structure to know that I did not horribly over eat the previous day), anyway, weighed myself this morning and my body fat had gone up 10% but my weight had dropped 2 lbs. WTF. Is what I am asking myself. Maybe there is something wrong with the scale, how does one gain 10% body fat in 1 day, yes I had two helpings of ice cream, and ate a few meringues, but it is 34 degrees Celsius outside, so can you blame me? I will see what tomorrow has to tell me and then see if it is worth my worrying about.
That is all I can think to say for now, I should go off and do some more steps and see what I can do to combat the stiff legs.
Thursday, 20 August 2015
Juice Clenase
I am dong a juice cleanse, go me!
Day 1:
Was okay, around 3 pm I did feel slightly light headed so I had a Vega One protein powder water drink just to make me feel slightly more normal.
But other than that it as good, all the juices were fairly delicious, although sadly the one I was looking forward to the most was the one I liked the least, isn't that always the way? Well for me it is anyway.
The one part I cannot quite get my head around is, you drink a 490 ml drink every 2 hours, but if you start at 8 am that leads you to 6 pm and then just water/tea (no caffeine) from 6 pm until bedtime, which for me is a LONG time. So I start drinking at about 9 or 10 to extend when I get to drink my last juice.
Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal
Total of 1130 calories
Day 2:
Should have drunk my first juice earlier than 10 am....ah well. I am sitting at my desk, so it is not too bad.
My fitbit is charging so there we go, ergo I cannot wear it which makes me mad.
I did start to go a bit loopy by the end of today. I thought a spaghetti squash covered in cheese and tomato sauce was a pizza, fail....ah well.
I do feel that my sleep quality has improved, which is a good thing.
Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal
Total of 1130 calories
Day 3:
I absolutely dislike the dirty lemonade, it is awful. Sorry to anyone out there that likes it but the graininess is just not pleasant.
Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal
Total of 1130 calories
All in all a good 3 days. I slept like a log which for me is a huge accomplishment, so that has to be a bonus. My insides maybe don't feel as great as they could, but then again baby steps and everything will come in time.
I will probably attempt this again, but under what circumstances I do not know. I like food, and I like feeling full. But gosh do I wish I had a flat stomach. One day maybe.
I just wish I felt more like working out, that would be a bonus. One day soon maybe.
See ya chicas.
Day 1:
Was okay, around 3 pm I did feel slightly light headed so I had a Vega One protein powder water drink just to make me feel slightly more normal.
But other than that it as good, all the juices were fairly delicious, although sadly the one I was looking forward to the most was the one I liked the least, isn't that always the way? Well for me it is anyway.
The one part I cannot quite get my head around is, you drink a 490 ml drink every 2 hours, but if you start at 8 am that leads you to 6 pm and then just water/tea (no caffeine) from 6 pm until bedtime, which for me is a LONG time. So I start drinking at about 9 or 10 to extend when I get to drink my last juice.
Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal
Total of 1130 calories
Day 2:
Should have drunk my first juice earlier than 10 am....ah well. I am sitting at my desk, so it is not too bad.
My fitbit is charging so there we go, ergo I cannot wear it which makes me mad.
I did start to go a bit loopy by the end of today. I thought a spaghetti squash covered in cheese and tomato sauce was a pizza, fail....ah well.
I do feel that my sleep quality has improved, which is a good thing.
Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal
Total of 1130 calories
Day 3:
I absolutely dislike the dirty lemonade, it is awful. Sorry to anyone out there that likes it but the graininess is just not pleasant.
Juice 1: G1, Green Juice, 180 cal
Juice 2: F1, Pumped up Kicks, 200 cal
Juice 3: The OC, 200 cal
Juice 4: Bad Boy Brown, 320 cal
Juice 5: 50 shades of green, 140 cal
Juice 6: Dirty lemonade, 90 cal
Total of 1130 calories
All in all a good 3 days. I slept like a log which for me is a huge accomplishment, so that has to be a bonus. My insides maybe don't feel as great as they could, but then again baby steps and everything will come in time.
I will probably attempt this again, but under what circumstances I do not know. I like food, and I like feeling full. But gosh do I wish I had a flat stomach. One day maybe.
I just wish I felt more like working out, that would be a bonus. One day soon maybe.
See ya chicas.
Monday, 17 August 2015
Steps
The last week was a failure when it comes to steps I was barely able to accomplish 8,000 in a day never mind 10,000. Ah well I am back on the wagon again.
I am a little disappointed FitBit has decided to remove the part of their site where you can record your measurements, and I am a little heartbroken. However, it was not developed to its fullest potential as it did not tell you if you had lost inches, so I am not overly heartbroken, but now I am on the hunt for a new inches tracker that I can put all of my old data into to make it look like I have made progress.
Any suggestions? Anyone? Really? It would be helpful. Might just do an excel, but that somehow is less fun.
Okay off to do more things.
I am a little disappointed FitBit has decided to remove the part of their site where you can record your measurements, and I am a little heartbroken. However, it was not developed to its fullest potential as it did not tell you if you had lost inches, so I am not overly heartbroken, but now I am on the hunt for a new inches tracker that I can put all of my old data into to make it look like I have made progress.
Any suggestions? Anyone? Really? It would be helpful. Might just do an excel, but that somehow is less fun.
Okay off to do more things.
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
30,000
Yesterday was the first time I did it, yes I got to 30,000 steps in a day, it felt amazing.
What felt less amazing was getting on the scale this morning and it having the reverse of the desired effect. I gained. Yes it was only two pounds but I did have a pretty lax weekend in the sense that we had people over and I ate everything in sight.
I do feel though that my lower belly is disappearing, but the inches would beg to differ.
Why can this just not be easy? I want it to be easy. I know if it were easy everyone would do it, but I just cannot figure out what else I can do.
Dress fitting tomorrow I think that is part of the problem. I do not want to look like a whale tomorrow.
Wish me luck today, and let there be light at the end of the tunnel.
What felt less amazing was getting on the scale this morning and it having the reverse of the desired effect. I gained. Yes it was only two pounds but I did have a pretty lax weekend in the sense that we had people over and I ate everything in sight.
I do feel though that my lower belly is disappearing, but the inches would beg to differ.
Why can this just not be easy? I want it to be easy. I know if it were easy everyone would do it, but I just cannot figure out what else I can do.
Dress fitting tomorrow I think that is part of the problem. I do not want to look like a whale tomorrow.
Wish me luck today, and let there be light at the end of the tunnel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)