Pulling Yourself Back Up

Pulling yourself back up again is an exhausting process.
If you mess up today, just get back on track tomorrow.

All easier said than done. Anyone can get tired of pulling themselves back up again, getting back on the wagon, trying again.

Since we were last here I am back to 250 again. 250 for me is a number that symbolizes, failure, hatred, loathing, a waste of space.It is 10 lbs heavier than when I started training with a personal trainer. I can also feel myself getting weaker, not stronger, things I could lift easily before are heavy now.
I am losing muscle mass despite eating protein, lifting weights, and staying healthy. My body fat % is skyrocketing, so to those that are cheerleaders for muscle weighs more than fat get lost. I know it does, I have heard it a 1000 times, but right now its not what I want to hear. Mainly because if it was muscle then my clothes would fit better, but they fit worse than a year ago. So NO.

For now that is all I have to say. I don't know what else I can change to get 'better'.

A year and A bit

Its been a year and a bit since I have been here, probably a good thing.
Nothing has changed, nothing is new, and I am doing almost 20,000 steps consistently daily.
I am eating 1,900 to 2,200 calories a day.
Drinking 4 litres of water a day.
I feel a bit like garbage, I am eating fairly few carbs, and I rarely poop...

All I have the energy left to do is weep, I threw up again driving to work this morning, and I am ready to send myself either to hell or to lipo. Neither are a good idea. But I am quite fed up.

Standard Weight Loss Knowledge:

• Eat less 
• Work out more

What I feel I am being told:

• Eat more (healthy and be consistent)
• Work out 
• Stop focusing on the numbers
• but know that you are eating at least 1900 calories a day (how can I stop focusing on the numbers, when you want to know how many calories I am consuming?!?!?!?) 
• This frustrates the pants off me, everything is numbers.

For me what I feel I am being told conflicts with the standard, and that the standard is wrong, but I also cannot keep feeling like garbage, not sleeping, and I have run out of a steam. 

I can go 48 hours without eating anything when I am upset or stressed or feeling like garbage, but then I can pull a 360 and get so stressed out that I will eat everything in sight without caring what happens to me. 

I hate feeling this way, my body can do amazing things, I am a physically strong human being, but mentally I am weak, tired, and stressed beyond control, I am ready to shut down pack it in, and just stop. 

And here comes the season where I go to dinner at least once a week from now until January 6, 2019. And the season where I am lucky if I eat 2 meals a day. 

Fed up

I am fed up to the back teeth.
I set out a goal to get a dress on by December 22....
Since I set that goal I have gained 4 lbs.
This is becoming insane, and unbearable.

As someone who is 3 lbs away from the heaveist she has ever been this is not good, I am going into drastic measure centre, and don't know what else to do.

I throw up during a run, I am dizzy, I feel physically sink 90% of the time.
I am sleeping more, I am drinking loads of water, I run 3 to 5 miles every day
weights 2 - 3 times a week, and yet nothing changes.
and if one more person tells me muscle weighs more than fat that person will need to go to the hospital for their injuries.
I can't take it anymore and I can't keep doing this and feel this shit.
Also if I am told that there must be something wrong with me internally I will also scream. My blood has been checked my doctor has told me there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to lose weight like a normal human being.
And yet I don't, can't whatever.