A year and A bit

Its been a year and a bit since I have been here, probably a good thing.
Nothing has changed, nothing is new, and I am doing almost 20,000 steps consistently daily.
I am eating 1,900 to 2,200 calories a day.
Drinking 4 litres of water a day.
I feel a bit like garbage, I am eating fairly few carbs, and I rarely poop...

All I have the energy left to do is weep, I threw up again driving to work this morning, and I am ready to send myself either to hell or to lipo. Neither are a good idea. But I am quite fed up.

Standard Weight Loss Knowledge:

• Eat less 
• Work out more

What I feel I am being told:

• Eat more (healthy and be consistent)
• Work out 
• Stop focusing on the numbers
• but know that you are eating at least 1900 calories a day (how can I stop focusing on the numbers, when you want to know how many calories I am consuming?!?!?!?) 
• This frustrates the pants off me, everything is numbers.

For me what I feel I am being told conflicts with the standard, and that the standard is wrong, but I also cannot keep feeling like garbage, not sleeping, and I have run out of a steam. 

I can go 48 hours without eating anything when I am upset or stressed or feeling like garbage, but then I can pull a 360 and get so stressed out that I will eat everything in sight without caring what happens to me. 

I hate feeling this way, my body can do amazing things, I am a physically strong human being, but mentally I am weak, tired, and stressed beyond control, I am ready to shut down pack it in, and just stop. 

And here comes the season where I go to dinner at least once a week from now until January 6, 2019. And the season where I am lucky if I eat 2 meals a day. 

Fed up

I am fed up to the back teeth.
I set out a goal to get a dress on by December 22....
Since I set that goal I have gained 4 lbs.
This is becoming insane, and unbearable.

As someone who is 3 lbs away from the heaveist she has ever been this is not good, I am going into drastic measure centre, and don't know what else to do.

I throw up during a run, I am dizzy, I feel physically sink 90% of the time.
I am sleeping more, I am drinking loads of water, I run 3 to 5 miles every day
weights 2 - 3 times a week, and yet nothing changes.
and if one more person tells me muscle weighs more than fat that person will need to go to the hospital for their injuries.
I can't take it anymore and I can't keep doing this and feel this shit.
Also if I am told that there must be something wrong with me internally I will also scream. My blood has been checked my doctor has told me there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to lose weight like a normal human being.
And yet I don't, can't whatever.